December 7, 2011

Fear of Avatar?

I have been hearing a lot lately about this book "What Women Fear: Walking in Faith That Transforms" by Angie Smith.
I just ordered it because I think it is a book I need to read.  My life is directed a lot by what I fear.  Before I do anything I overthink it by 1000 percent.  This has always driven my friends and family crazy!

Does this look good?  Should I take this road?  Will that shoe match better than this one?  How does my hair look?  Is my makeup too dark?  Does this taste allright?  Which colour yarn matches with all these others?  Should I go now or later? And on and on it goes!! 

It gets really old, really fast.

I just don't know how to trust in myself and not worry about what the consequences will be.  What is the worse that can happen?

In my mind - the worse is that I will be judged and rejected.  I have had my fair share of rejection in my life.  I have let it define who I am for most of my life.  I have to say - I am better than what I was years ago - but I still live EVERY DAY with that FEAR. 
Somedays that fear grinds me into the ground.

I have long been trying to pinpoint what my exact fear is and I think I may have figured it out - at least part of it.  I think my biggest fear is that people will "see" me (think Avatar).
What if someone "sees" who I really am - and decides that I am just not worth their time.  Or not good enough for them, and then rejects me.  Throws me out.

This leads me to an even better question: Why do I care? 

But I do. 

I try to cover up that I don't, and say to myself  "Well, if they don't like who I am - they aren't worth having in my life!".  But the truth is - I truly, to the depth of my soul,  care. 

And that is where the seed of my FEAR lies burried.

I try and hold fast to God's promise in Isaiah 41:13 that says:

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,

God sees me competely and he thinks I am AMAZING!  He sees all my fun and special things, and he also sees my weird and horrible things.  Yet he thinks I am wonderful and calls me "HIS"!

He knows all my fears and holds my hand to help me walk through that fear to the other side. 

What do you fear?  Will you let God hold your hand?

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1 comment:

  1. Well said Jen. I feel many of those same fears everyday. As I get older, it seems that when I tell myself, "Why do I care what they think?", I am more confident in that response and it has become easier to walk away from they fears and doubts. I think this book sounds great--I may have to go and get a copy of it myself. Another book I read for my Women by Design class last year that helped me a lot was "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. Miss you friend, and hope we will see you soon!!